Lacking the talent to Good Evening,
I am, by turns, staring, then demure.

As far as modern mental illnesses go, I suppose one could do a lot worse than Shyness. Happily, it lacks many of the nuisances that make other such diseases so unpopular: none of those bothersome spasms, ever only controlled swearing, comparatively little drool. Nonetheless, it is a serious illness—all the more so for being largely misunderstood as such—, which afflicts a significant proportion of the female population, and Bandur.

Though frequently mistaken for Fear of Everything (FOE), the effects of Shyness are often much more subtle. Current indications are that Shyness produces in its host a mental predisposition for missing every available opportunity to be normal. The result is often irrational behavior that can only be explained by repeating the word 'irrational': stuttering, mumbling, blushing, sweating; more exotic phenomena, like cliché and non sequitur; in its advanced stages, the, oft fatal, awkward pause. Moreover, it appears that in its male subjects—rather, in Bandur—, Shyness can produce a rare syndrome known as Complete Social Retardation. This profound lack of joy can be something of a hardship, but at least it's not FOE (those poor, omniphobic bastards).

There are conflicting theories regarding the origin of the disease. Some posit that, at a critical stage in development, sufferers simply were not told that it was all right to start talking to strangers; more likely, however, is that the illness is congenital—that is, that there really is something else genuinely wrong with the person, which they have every reason to feel self-conscious about.

The disease is particularly insidious for its hidden dangers; most notably, injuries sustained from improper treatment, stemming from a poor understanding of the disease among the greater population. Much like getting pounded on the back when one is not actually choking, one's companions, believing one to be suffering from acute stupidity, will often deliver well meaning, but otherwise harmful, smacks to one's head. Similarly, while it is clearly not sensible to push an arachnophobic into a pit of spiders, counseling, "c'mon, I think she likes you", this error is not so easily recognized by the un-shy when handling the shy.

In fact, the only known treatment for the disease, Alcoholism, while not unpleasant, is not especially reliable. The search goes on, therefore, for a satisfactory explanation of the disease, and its proper cure, such that we may ease the suffering of those with it, as well as those without, who, even in the retelling of an episode of Shyness, cannot but experience some amount of squeamish discomfort.

- Bandur, September 28, 2004